it's been a while

there are a lot of things i want to say, but i'm just too lazy to write.

heath ledger died.

i heard a remake of "what hurts the most" by rascal flatts on the radio last night. it was techno.

what is this world coming to?

Silver and Gold

Yesterday I helped my boyfriend move into Anderson University. He transferred there this semester, and I went with his family to "help." More like, I went because I wanted to spend every second I could with him before I had to say goodbye.

While his family was helping his brother get settled back into his dorm room, I helped Pete (my boyfriend) start the check-in process in Admissions. As I helped him, I flashed back to my move in day at Grace College. The day was so stressful. You would have thought royalty was moving in, the way my girls' dorm was crowded with people and commotion. I remember meeting some of my now best friends.

Before I went to Grace, I remember talking to my youth pastor, and he said that I was about to go meet my lifetime best friends. I told him I didn't think so, that my high school friends would always have that place in my life. He just nodded his head, probably thinking how stupid I was.

I'm still really close to a lot of my friends from high school, but I thought back yesterday on my friends that I've met since high school, both at Grace, and now at Purdue. I feel as if I've known them my entire life. My boyfriend, who started out as just my best friend, I haven't even known for two years, and he knows me probably better than anyone else in the world. How weird.

I get really excited when I think about what else the future holds as far as friendships and life decisions. Life is really a gift from God, you know? There are constantly twists and turns and new occurrances, but with those twists and turns come new friends, new ways of thinking, and a deeper relationship with our Creator. And some of the old qualities about the way your life was before always stick with you--your personality doesn't completely change into another person...it just gets better, like life is just a series of fine-tuning.

I think I'm rambling on now, so I will stop for this day.

So Soon

I set up and wrote my first blog post less than an hour ago, I believe. And now here I am writing again.

Now, though, I'm going to write about what's really on my mind.

I grew up in a Christian school, went to church, went on missions trips, did everything just right, and have learned to continue this routine into young adulthood. I've fooled myself into believing I'm something special. The past months have been treacherous in my relationship with Christ because I feel as if He's completely gone. I read my Bible, hoping for some great insight into a passage I've read a thousand times already, and nothing happens. In the back of my mind, I'm already thinking to myself as I read it, "I know this already. What else can I possibly learn?"

I have seen people get to this point, and a lot of times it doesn't end well. They start living differently, eventually giving up on their faith completely. I do not want to end up that way. So I've been praying for God to do something big in my life, to show Himself in a big way. Because I KNOW He can. Knowing things is not the problem--believing them and acting on them is.

This was a scary prayer because I knew that usually when God does something really big in someone's life, a trial is coming. My pastor talks about his college roomate a lot, how he used to pray that God would bring trials into his life. I felt as if I were doing the same thing.

So of course, something bad is happening, something I wish weren't happening, something I want to control and put my hands on, as usual. The more I do that, though, the worse things get. But the other day I was at my friend's apartment, and I suddenly realized that I'm getting exactly what I prayed for. God is giving me this incredible opportunity to grow closer to Him and feel His comfort in this tough time. Things already are not turning out the way I want them to. Things are already hard, and they might get even harder for all I know.

I'm realizing that God doesn't want just a part of me. He wants all of me, and things in my life, no matter how hard they are or how bad they suck, are gifts from Him to draw closer to Him. They are opportunities to humbling times to learn that I really cannot do this life thing on my own, and I must give everything to Him.