I set up and wrote my first blog post less than an hour ago, I believe. And now here I am writing again.
Now, though, I'm going to write about what's really on my mind.
I grew up in a Christian school, went to church, went on missions trips, did everything just right, and have learned to continue this routine into young adulthood. I've fooled myself into believing I'm something special. The past months have been treacherous in my relationship with Christ because I feel as if He's completely gone. I read my Bible, hoping for some great insight into a passage I've read a thousand times already, and nothing happens. In the back of my mind, I'm already thinking to myself as I read it, "I know this already. What else can I possibly learn?"
I have seen people get to this point, and a lot of times it doesn't end well. They start living differently, eventually giving up on their faith completely. I do not want to end up that way. So I've been praying for God to do something big in my life, to show Himself in a big way. Because I KNOW He can. Knowing things is not the problem--believing them and acting on them is.
This was a scary prayer because I knew that usually when God does something really big in someone's life, a trial is coming. My pastor talks about his college roomate a lot, how he used to pray that God would bring trials into his life. I felt as if I were doing the same thing.
So of course, something bad is happening, something I wish weren't happening, something I want to control and put my hands on, as usual. The more I do that, though, the worse things get. But the other day I was at my friend's apartment, and I suddenly realized that I'm getting exactly what I prayed for. God is giving me this incredible opportunity to grow closer to Him and feel His comfort in this tough time. Things already are not turning out the way I want them to. Things are already hard, and they might get even harder for all I know.
I'm realizing that God doesn't want just a part of me. He wants all of me, and things in my life, no matter how hard they are or how bad they suck, are gifts from Him to draw closer to Him. They are opportunities to humbling times to learn that I really cannot do this life thing on my own, and I must give everything to Him.